Let's just put it a 2nd way...

Fuck me....

How could I have just opened up so quick and easy. How could I have just used those 3 sacred yet deadly words without remembering it's value. Tsk tsk to myself. But despite of what I did to myself, It does not seem bother me as much as past battles. Perhaps I've grown numb to it? Or maybe a natural expectancy so my body would be earlier prepared for what seems to constantly happen when I act upon excitement and high hopes.

I'm back in limbo. Another chapter ends..no...wait....Mini-Saga...ya that sounds cooler. The ride is over and now I'm off to find another unnecessarily long line for the next attraction. "?? wait time" for another 10 second rush. These are those times when loneliness decides to kick in and pound my face with one of those blow up hammers from the carnival. But at the same time I guess it's a good thing. I'm caught up with so many other things going on anyways and I can't let any of this get me down or in the way. I literally can't afford it. I need to sell policies even if im sobbing in front of the clients. Hell, it might even get them to "pity buy" from me.

Speaking of business, It seems to be going okay. Not amazing but okay. I'm definitely making more, but it seems like things are slowly crashing around me. It could either be my lack of organization, or lack of energy and effort to uphold what has already been built. But at the same time it's helping me see whats not working out so I can change and make it better...I don't know...I think I'm just being paranoid and scared that I might not be able to do this...I KNOW I'm capable but it seems I've done nothing but fall off the charts ever since this started...I need to pick this up. Maybe a girl isn't really what I need right now. Poor thing might get fed up with all my "business" talk and lack of reality for a second. At least I don't need to worry about anything or anyone besides myself at the moment. The only one good thing I think I did was to bring in an old friend and co-worker to the field. She is becoming a monster. She is my prodigy. It's almost wierd to see a clone worker. I think the only reason why I have what I have right now is because of what she has done. She definitely has the same mindset so I think this ship will run smoother. Plus a "woman's touch" to the office does wonders on making this place not look like a bachelor pad rather than an Insurance office.

I'm glad that she isn't dramatic though. I've had quite a dramatic week as well. About 5 people have been having some serious trouble. Me included. And I'm tending to every single one of them. This month seems to be an emotional month for everyone. And they ALL have to do with relationships. One is getting divorced...another is breaking up...another finds out about ex's...another about more ex's...another just doesn't give a rip...Jeez man...The love horoscope was wrong all month. "Your relationships will be stronger and turmoil will be subdued." Hmm....interesting concept.

Well regardless of the series of unfortunate events, life is still interesting and exciting. All is well!

Let's just put it one way...

FUCK YOU

Broken Psalms

Take a breath
Breathe in all my mistakes
Let the rain wash all the way
Let it drain away

Look around
Not a soul left to be found
Just a voice, not another sound
Another soldier down

Here I cross my arms behind
Find another way
Lift an eye
Sway gently right to miss the swinging pain

Save me
See me through
Land me safely
Back to you
Fading
From this calm
Singing broken Psalms
Back to you

Teardrop

For the first time in a long time I remembered what it was like to feel. I bled, I breathed, I saw, I heard, I had a beat again. In less then 15 minutes, my life flow vanished. I'm numb again. I'm back to where I was. When ever your body gets hit, bruised or cut, it goes into shock and then naturally numbs to hide the pain. I guess this is a good thing...It was amazing to know that I'm alive. Yet, I was teased with my dream becoming into reality. My hopes and wishes dangled in front of my eyes. Scared...yet I reached for it. But it was pulled away and I wasn't quick enough....

I'm sorry I'm lost for words at the moment...But if you catch my last teardrop, you'll feel the last thing I felt. No not pain....Love....

My Journal's Basement

Deep under the words, lyrics, and rhymes, lay a message; a meaning, a point, a plan, a message, an emotion into expression. Crawl downstairs to the place where words disappear and replaced by feeling or thought. What we see in writings and songs has it's own private place where we find understanding from someone else who simply wanted to share their side of the story. Beneath these words that I'm typing is a thought.

Stolen from me. Held captive from the hands that once fed me strength and hope now steals the ingredient that reminded me what strength and hope was. I need this back...Funny how all my addictions that destroy me are so difficult to rid myself from, yet the addictions that help me become better, are quickly taken away.

It's killing me. It's destroying me. It's breaking me into pieces I don't feel like picking back up. I need you addiction. I don't want to go back to where I was before you. My Journal's Basement.

Entrepreneurship

02/09/09 was the first day of my effective promotion. From Branch Manager to Entrepreneur. This small homely little office is now considered mine. I can either make it or break it, win or lose, rich or starve. I'm overwhelmed by this huge opportunity, yet I'm terrified by the possible losses. I don't fail because I hate failing. I can't afford it. Not now...

I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine. I really should have nothing to worry about. I guess the feeling of practically having my own business at the age of 23 is a little freaky to me. Employees lives and families being supported by my wages...It's just mind boggling. It's kind of like gaining a new "super-hero" power like flying but still premature with the fear that the power will fade away in the middle of flying through the highest sky scrapers. What if I can't afford to pay my employees? What if I can't afford to eat? What if I can't pay the office rent? But then again...What if I can give these hard working reps raises? What if they can finally feed their families? What if they can finally know what it's like to have hope? It's all depended on me...

I won't lose. This is where my life really begins. This is where my future found it's foundation. I don't have to worry about switching jobs back and forth and finding different traits and careers. It's taken some an extremely long time to find their "nitch", but I've finally found mine. This is my race...This is my story...A kid that starved and lived with 3 different families just to have a place called home; even if the floor was my bed. I will not be shaken.

Roller Coasters

There's things in life where we just can't comprehend. Sometimes trying to figure out life's mysteries could be a headache. Yet it's the source of our "real" entertainment to the enlightened mind because without life's mysteries, I'm pretty sure we would be pretty bored. Ever since the beginning of the new year, life has been just tossing me around. Good and bad. Moving to yet ANOTHER place, people offering me jobs, a special Lady, almost getting into car accidents, promotions, bad sales, etc. Good and bad, good and bad, good and bad.

Although these things keep my life "entertained", sometimes I wish I could just quit. (Excuse the "emoness") But what I mean, is just to go back with the 'rents and remember what it was like to just sit at home and worry about keeping my room clean and help around the house every now and then...Such good times i should've savored...

This morning has been quite the "bump" in the road. and it bumped me pretty hard. It made my emotions run wild. I wish I can say more. All I can really say is, This Sucks. But life has it's ups and downs. So do roller coasters, and roller coasters are Effin tight!