New Season

Read a completely new style of blogging for the next season of my life!

ROSEHEART

roseheartgenesis.blogspot.com

The Last California Blog

Today was the most miraculous day I have had. Almost like a grand finale to this "war" season of my life. The final stretch. All of my "unfinished business" has come to a close. Miracles lined every hour today after each problem that surfaced trying to finish me off. But finally!! A fresh start!! I've been waiting for this day for years and it feels amazing. I'm currently in California...for the last week. As of May 20th, I will be an official Georgia resident and with a GREAT job and school ahead of me. I'm looking forward to the new people in my life, the new events, and the new lessons to be learned. Mark my words, I will not let anyone walk all over me anymore. I am not the person you once knew. And he no longer exists to California. And if I come back, you'll think twice before you say something meaningful. Well anyways, cheers!! Here's to new beginnings!

The end of dark times has come to a hibernation. One day it will rise again, but meanwhile, I'll stock up on good times to keep me afloat for the next horde of attacks.

This concludes The Basement Journal

I forgot...

...how great it felt to converse with you...

The Playground

It's raining now... I can feel the mist around my skin thicken and drip down my hands as I stood under a freshly installed plastic overhead. Thunders began to orchestrate a symphony. Oh the beauty of it's expression. A Masterpiece! I took a deep breath and took in natures free show. The mist turned to rain as I started to walk around the lake. I decided to sit on the swing set I managed to stumble upon and scooped up a handful of sand before it became mud. The sight was beautiful. An old rusted swing set screeching it's noises as I swung but it was easily tuned out by the sounds of thunder and rain drops diving face first into the water. I could see the lake and all the millions of tree's surrounding it and me. Apparently I lost track of time when I realized I've been swinging in the rain for almost 2 hours thinking about how ironic it was to find myself at a playground while feeling for the past 2 months that I've always been a playground to everyone I've come across.

I've made all of them a priority. I've given my all, when before and even now, I was only considered an option to them. Work, friends, and relationships. I think that was my mistake. I put them all first before me. Don't I deserve at least a little thought? I was just a swing set to them to pass the time and entertainment. I was the temporary sight of amazement. A simple song of deep connection and understanding only to get played out at the blink of the next second.

My hair lost it's shape since it felt like I was dipped in a pool so I got off the swing set to walk home. "I'm Sorry." I humbly apologized to the playground. "You don't deserve to be made into a mockery so goodbye and thank you." Suddenly a thought raced through my head as I turned to see the playground alone while the swing slowly swung lonely without a soul. Perhaps it needs someone...Now I feel like I just did to it what is always done to me...I used it...loved it...and walked away.

The noise has reached a silence

This war lasted 4 years. Fighting for my own survival. I've gone through times I've never thought I would ever have to endure. I sold my soul to church. I've been temporarily rich. I almost cut my lifeline through a wedding ring. I've lost homes. I've had my own business. I've traveled a 100 miles just to see someone. I've lied. I've been lied to. I've hurt people. I've been hurt. I've helped people. I've been spat on. I've fed people. I've starved. And all this, just to say...I'm still alive.

Although I'm not in any position to say proudly, "I did it!", I feel that I at least made it through. Constantly my life has hit bombshell after bombshell. So many things I do wish I would've done differently. However, I would probably not be satisfied with the person that I am today. So cheers to the past. For it is what has built my foundation.

I leave in a few hours to another world. Goodbye California. The war has ended. Today marks a day into my history. The day the noise has reached a silence...

The Moon

I remember all the things in life that involved a "yes or no" answer. Whether it was towards a question being asked towards me or a question I asked myself, given the situation or person I would be pondering about.

But...recently this year I've come across something so....so enlightening. Yet I believe I may have destroyed everything....again...

I have this feeling that you are reading this...you know EXACTLY who you are. Whether it would be a few seconds after I post this or a few months, you made history in my life. I've always sat there thinking with a possible yes or no. Yet...this time there was never a "no". There was never anything possibly wrong...Everything was yes. I've never been so sure of something...There was no room for "no", and the very thing that I was 100% "yes" on, ended up being completely wrong...

They say to "Follow your heart"...Yet at the end, It led me to decay. That's until I realized I don't have a heart...so what did I follow??

I can't fix this because I was not prepared...please be safe...because I left the last piece of my heart on the moon. If the moon leaves...so do I...

A little Advice

You need to let the one you love be happy, and if it's without you, then you love them enough to let them go and be happy without you.

Fail

Well, It looks like I failed...

I couldn't do it. I lost everything and now I'm ready to pack my things. The only thing stopping me is a miracle...sometime within the next 24 hours. Highly unlikely but you never know. I'll be selling my things and I'll be ready to catch a flight to Georgia to reside with my parents. I can't believe I failed...I can't believe it had to end this way.

I'll be leaving now...

It was a good shot and a fun ride.

Time is running out

If you have something to say
Say it now
Because things fade away
and time is running out

You do know that these things change
parting ways
It's getting late
My flight arrives today

You know that I'm fading out
I don't care
But I think you do
I can tell by your stare

So why don't you catch me
before I leave
Decide quickly
Because time is running empty

A New Life

Sometimes I wish I never had this pride inside
It keeps me from dropping my things and hide
I just want to run away this time
I want to come home and start a brand new life

Sometimes I wish I never had this will
To make something happen but time stood still
I don't want to climb this hill
I want to come home and start a brand new life

Sometimes I wish I never had this heart
Who knew that love would be so hard
I drained my pain inside a drinking bar
I want to come home and start a brand new life

Sometimes I wish I never felt like this
I enjoyed being numb and feeling quite robotic
I don't want to go back to it
But I want to come home and start a brand new life

Let's just put it a 2nd way...

Fuck me....

How could I have just opened up so quick and easy. How could I have just used those 3 sacred yet deadly words without remembering it's value. Tsk tsk to myself. But despite of what I did to myself, It does not seem bother me as much as past battles. Perhaps I've grown numb to it? Or maybe a natural expectancy so my body would be earlier prepared for what seems to constantly happen when I act upon excitement and high hopes.

I'm back in limbo. Another chapter ends..no...wait....Mini-Saga...ya that sounds cooler. The ride is over and now I'm off to find another unnecessarily long line for the next attraction. "?? wait time" for another 10 second rush. These are those times when loneliness decides to kick in and pound my face with one of those blow up hammers from the carnival. But at the same time I guess it's a good thing. I'm caught up with so many other things going on anyways and I can't let any of this get me down or in the way. I literally can't afford it. I need to sell policies even if im sobbing in front of the clients. Hell, it might even get them to "pity buy" from me.

Speaking of business, It seems to be going okay. Not amazing but okay. I'm definitely making more, but it seems like things are slowly crashing around me. It could either be my lack of organization, or lack of energy and effort to uphold what has already been built. But at the same time it's helping me see whats not working out so I can change and make it better...I don't know...I think I'm just being paranoid and scared that I might not be able to do this...I KNOW I'm capable but it seems I've done nothing but fall off the charts ever since this started...I need to pick this up. Maybe a girl isn't really what I need right now. Poor thing might get fed up with all my "business" talk and lack of reality for a second. At least I don't need to worry about anything or anyone besides myself at the moment. The only one good thing I think I did was to bring in an old friend and co-worker to the field. She is becoming a monster. She is my prodigy. It's almost wierd to see a clone worker. I think the only reason why I have what I have right now is because of what she has done. She definitely has the same mindset so I think this ship will run smoother. Plus a "woman's touch" to the office does wonders on making this place not look like a bachelor pad rather than an Insurance office.

I'm glad that she isn't dramatic though. I've had quite a dramatic week as well. About 5 people have been having some serious trouble. Me included. And I'm tending to every single one of them. This month seems to be an emotional month for everyone. And they ALL have to do with relationships. One is getting divorced...another is breaking up...another finds out about ex's...another about more ex's...another just doesn't give a rip...Jeez man...The love horoscope was wrong all month. "Your relationships will be stronger and turmoil will be subdued." Hmm....interesting concept.

Well regardless of the series of unfortunate events, life is still interesting and exciting. All is well!

Let's just put it one way...

FUCK YOU

Broken Psalms

Take a breath
Breathe in all my mistakes
Let the rain wash all the way
Let it drain away

Look around
Not a soul left to be found
Just a voice, not another sound
Another soldier down

Here I cross my arms behind
Find another way
Lift an eye
Sway gently right to miss the swinging pain

Save me
See me through
Land me safely
Back to you
Fading
From this calm
Singing broken Psalms
Back to you

Teardrop

For the first time in a long time I remembered what it was like to feel. I bled, I breathed, I saw, I heard, I had a beat again. In less then 15 minutes, my life flow vanished. I'm numb again. I'm back to where I was. When ever your body gets hit, bruised or cut, it goes into shock and then naturally numbs to hide the pain. I guess this is a good thing...It was amazing to know that I'm alive. Yet, I was teased with my dream becoming into reality. My hopes and wishes dangled in front of my eyes. Scared...yet I reached for it. But it was pulled away and I wasn't quick enough....

I'm sorry I'm lost for words at the moment...But if you catch my last teardrop, you'll feel the last thing I felt. No not pain....Love....

My Journal's Basement

Deep under the words, lyrics, and rhymes, lay a message; a meaning, a point, a plan, a message, an emotion into expression. Crawl downstairs to the place where words disappear and replaced by feeling or thought. What we see in writings and songs has it's own private place where we find understanding from someone else who simply wanted to share their side of the story. Beneath these words that I'm typing is a thought.

Stolen from me. Held captive from the hands that once fed me strength and hope now steals the ingredient that reminded me what strength and hope was. I need this back...Funny how all my addictions that destroy me are so difficult to rid myself from, yet the addictions that help me become better, are quickly taken away.

It's killing me. It's destroying me. It's breaking me into pieces I don't feel like picking back up. I need you addiction. I don't want to go back to where I was before you. My Journal's Basement.

Entrepreneurship

02/09/09 was the first day of my effective promotion. From Branch Manager to Entrepreneur. This small homely little office is now considered mine. I can either make it or break it, win or lose, rich or starve. I'm overwhelmed by this huge opportunity, yet I'm terrified by the possible losses. I don't fail because I hate failing. I can't afford it. Not now...

I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine. I really should have nothing to worry about. I guess the feeling of practically having my own business at the age of 23 is a little freaky to me. Employees lives and families being supported by my wages...It's just mind boggling. It's kind of like gaining a new "super-hero" power like flying but still premature with the fear that the power will fade away in the middle of flying through the highest sky scrapers. What if I can't afford to pay my employees? What if I can't afford to eat? What if I can't pay the office rent? But then again...What if I can give these hard working reps raises? What if they can finally feed their families? What if they can finally know what it's like to have hope? It's all depended on me...

I won't lose. This is where my life really begins. This is where my future found it's foundation. I don't have to worry about switching jobs back and forth and finding different traits and careers. It's taken some an extremely long time to find their "nitch", but I've finally found mine. This is my race...This is my story...A kid that starved and lived with 3 different families just to have a place called home; even if the floor was my bed. I will not be shaken.

Roller Coasters

There's things in life where we just can't comprehend. Sometimes trying to figure out life's mysteries could be a headache. Yet it's the source of our "real" entertainment to the enlightened mind because without life's mysteries, I'm pretty sure we would be pretty bored. Ever since the beginning of the new year, life has been just tossing me around. Good and bad. Moving to yet ANOTHER place, people offering me jobs, a special Lady, almost getting into car accidents, promotions, bad sales, etc. Good and bad, good and bad, good and bad.

Although these things keep my life "entertained", sometimes I wish I could just quit. (Excuse the "emoness") But what I mean, is just to go back with the 'rents and remember what it was like to just sit at home and worry about keeping my room clean and help around the house every now and then...Such good times i should've savored...

This morning has been quite the "bump" in the road. and it bumped me pretty hard. It made my emotions run wild. I wish I can say more. All I can really say is, This Sucks. But life has it's ups and downs. So do roller coasters, and roller coasters are Effin tight!

Across the 110

The mind of my 1996 Honda civic apparently was filled with suicidal thoughts last night. And what perfect timing then to act on those thoughts in a congested freeway called the 110 at 8:35pm. Completely ignoring the handling changes my car has been making earlier that day, I was faced with a consequence that put the risk of killing my best friend's girlfriend. Perfect scene for an opener from Six Feet Under. Between one breath the car lost control. Immediately swerving to the right, shifting into a beautiful 90 degree angled drift going 60mph. In this moment I still haven't taken the next breath yet...and all I could see were bright balls of light that only seemed to get bigger and closer. Time slowed down for a second....and then..that moment ended. Back to reality, the car shifts an elegant 180 degrees to the opposite direction where my drivers side is facing the oncoming traffic....another moment...time slows down as I stare at bigger and closer balls of light only this time my only thought was, "When are these cars going to plant themselves on my driver's side door to face plant my face with glass and metal...." Again...the moment ends....my car catches traction and spins back swerving right and left again and finally coming to a complete stop.....finally I get to finish taking my breath. We started on the fourth lane to the right and somehow miraculously landed ourselves on the left emergency lane without a scratch...Carrie Underwood's "Jesus take the wheel" played in my head at this moment. A very homosexual moment I might add since I was as terrified as a newborn baby hung upside down getting spanked. What a way to enter the world of earth right?

Anyways, I sat there. And all I could do was chuckle and smile. Grateful that I'm alive and that I didn't end up killing the Best Friend's Girlfriend, we were both still pretty shaken up. Oh the things we go through just to visit the people we love and care about. Too bad for him, we didn't end up visiting him. Slowly we moved our way back onto the freeway paranoid out of our minds. And now my car is messed up. New sounds and broken noises. When will we ever catch a break...I'm barely starting to get back up and before you know it, I get slammed with a hammer fist on my back landing hands flat on the floor. Well don't prepare me a grave, because I'm nowhere close to ending this fight. Josh is here to stay. Life....you "gone dun" PISS me off. Watch me counter this one...Tap 2...

Corporate Nuke

The sound of speed typing inflates the office on another given day. Sun beaming through the sticker infested window waiting for a place in line amongst illegal immigrants wishing for a supernaturally cheap auto insurance policy. Then...the phone rings. Expecting to hear another customer complaint about how expensive it is and how they feel they are getting ripped off besides the point they are getting "REAL" insurance, the voice of regional management thunders through the electrons connected through wires from one location to another. A bomb has set off...My feathers have been flustered and the office environment mimicked the atmosphere of Hiroshima, Japan. Death slowly filled the air as I had to fire half my staff...and all I could do was sit here and wait for another name to ring through these phones to fire another person. Not long until I hear the name I dread to listen to next..."Josh Gomez...Thank you for your work...Have a nice day." Sweat rolled down my forehead and all I can feel is a knife rotating counter clock wise inside of my intestines as I shit out another brick. Silence is our theme in the office this afternoon. Radios turned off and the TV has a beautiful static noise to entice our fear stung ears. Oh the Waiting!!! The waiting is the part that kills. A radiation engulfing each and every single one of us counting down our days till the very last second of life left. "Why bother sell now?" was my only thought...when suddenly another ring....Could it be another bomb? "Best Buy Insurance....Josh speaking...." A moment of silence.....I swallowed the hardest drop of saliva which happened to be the last one left. Might as well make it a good swallow right? The grim reaper said, "It ends today....No more..." Click.....The call ends...the smoke clears...radiation still amidst...Will anyone else terminate today?

Electronic Mind Regurgitation

I prefer to spill my heart out on a more vintage, high quality, 19.99 Barnes and Nobles, styled journal. However, this phenomena of online blogging seemed to have attached itself to my failure of trend setting. Here we go...do as they do...don't talk back...and keep moving...

Los Angeles is quite the fast paced bubble of life flow. And I'm proud to say I love it. Probably just as much as I love speeding through a highly ingested freeway; And I might also compare it to how much I enjoy blogging while I'm at work. Hehe...

Well I really should be making some calls to sell an auto insurance policy so I'll cut this short. And here's to my first online blog spot!! *Raises a glass and cheers